Surrender and Fresh Starts

These two themes are behind this new blog. Right now, in the making, is my bold leap toward ownership of my words, my goals, and the life I am leading.

Grief tore through my life last year and began a cascade of events that cannot be undone. And while some of those events I would never want to undo there are several I wish I could.

As the life I had been building came crashing down around me, I began to look more objectively (and perhaps maturely) at each piece. In the deconstructing I found the elements. And as each element seemed to lay at my feet, I realized I was responsible for it all. There are times to surrender and times not to surrender. There are forces to surrender to and forces to fight.

We have all been handed down templates for ways of being. Filed away in subconscious lies an outline for being an employee, a partner, a friend, and so on. Then these moments happen in life where what we were taught and subconsciously acting out clashes with our souls calling.

For me this meant being the “good wife” as I was taught to be, supporting my husband and his career, suddenly and abruptly collided with my goals as a writer, therapist, and community oriented person. As I followed my husband toward his perceived “dream job” I systematically dismantled all that I had built. It left me shaken and confused. I could hear myself asking “why?! why am I doing this?!” and at the same time I felt powerless to stop it. I felt I had to see what was on the other side.

So here I am. On the other side of it all. Some days I feel like I am creating a fresh start with my new perspectives and experiences under my belt. Other days I feel I am sitting in a pile of debris from my past life. But both places have something in common, they are both mine. Following someone or paving my own way, both are my choices at the end of the day. And while I am still married, I do have a new truth I didn’t have before. A truth I didn’t even know I could have and be married.

The truth is, I can care deeply for my relationship with my husband AND choose not to sacrifice my life. I see the elements now. I see all that it takes to create a life and that responsibility rests solely in my hands.

It is both the most liberating and most terrifying. So here it goes.

Join me as much or as little as you’d like.

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